The waiting game

I need to pull the trigger on school and I am just procrastinating again.

Everything is set but I keep making excuses to delay everything. I don’t know why. Maybe it is the universe telling me not to go back. But, here is the real deal… I need to go back. I like school. I have some kind of strange urge to be as educated as I can. I need to go back so that I can make more money in a different job. I just don’t see our family going anywhere if I stay here. I mean, my husband gets great raises every year (sometimes double digit raises) and profit sharing bonuses and other bonuses. I’m lucky enough if I will see a 2% raise and the health insurance will eat that up and more anyway. This place really does suck.

So, I feel a need to do something to compensate for the crappy salaries that the university doles out. Also, I just feel like I need more than what this job, this library, this university is offering me - mentally and financially.

On a happier note, today is my husband’s birthday! Let me just say (on the record) that he is the sweetest, kindest, most patient and understanding man I have ever known. I couldn’t have found anyone else in the world who would tolerate me and all of my quirks. I will never forget that day (was it eleven years ago?) on the library steps and later at Strickland’s (bye you guys!) when I finally met him. I knew that day I would never be going back to New Jersey. Happy Birthday you giant redneck!

School is cool!

Well, I am ready to take the big plunge (again) back into grad school. I have the application filled out, the transcripts will be sent, I have the references picked out, and I need to write my personal statement. Personal statement: an essay about my reasons for choosing this program and what my goals are, blah…blah…blah…. Wouldn’t it be easy if I could just write the absolute truth? I am going back to school because the salary is a lot more than what I make now, the benefits are the same for less money, the hours/vacation would work so much better with my son’s schedule, and I would feel like I am actually DOING something. Yeah, I’m sure that would get me in. No, I will sit down and create a masterpiece about the state of education in Georgia, the need for bibliographic instruction in the schools, the strengths that I plan to bring to the program, etc.

Part of me really wants to go. I love school. Part of me feels that I should wait and let my husband go back to school for his MBA. He would be a brilliant accountant or CPA. He really would. He has a knack for numbers. The joke at his office was that when our son was born he would have a calculator in one hand and a pencil in the other. Currently, my husband is a comptroller for a small company. He likes his job but we both know that he has so much more potential. The difference between us is that I love school. He hates school.

When we were undergrads, he got through all of his classes without reading much. His trick was he took good notes and went to class. He graduated in four years exactly with a really good GPA and a degree from one of the best journalism schools in the country. (He realized during his senior year that he didn’t like journalism) I did the five-year plan and I can’t say my GPA was much to brag about. I test well and I think that helped me get into grad school.

Anyway, I’m ready. If all goes as planned I will be starting school in the summer. Eleven classes until I have an Ed.S. Oh, I’m ready. I’m really ready.

Weeeeeeeeekend

Sorry for my previous entry. Sometimes, things just need to be set free. I feel much better now and I’m looking forward to the weekend. (Or…weeeeeeeeekend for my WSB/Boortz listeners out there)

So, I have big plans for this weekend. B…I…G The first thing I am going to do is to sleep as late as I can. With a one year old son, that’s not very late – but I’m gonna try. Then, I’m gonna get up and make breakfast – eggs, bacon, blueberry muffins, grits, whatever else is in the house. After that, I plan on just doing stuff around the house (the glamour of laundry awaits), finish some artwork that I started for my son’s room (pottery barn – watch out!) and maybe taking a walk around the neighborhood or in the park – just really simple stuff.

Jealous, aren’t you? Oh, I can feel it.

See, I usually plan out this weekend where I have to get all of these things done and when it doesn’t work out that way, I crash and burn. I put this pressure on myself to get everything done in the two days that I have off. So, everything else gets neglected (especially people – I really need to call my brother) and I wind up so frustrated. My strategy is to plan out a really “exciting” weekend and whatever gets done, gets done.

Take this job and shove it!

Something just isn’t sitting well with me and I feel the need to vent. Sorry if you are in a good mood and don’t want to hear someone bitch and complain, but it has to be done. Also, sorry for the profanity – I’m a Yankee and I’m venting.

About a year ago, I worked in another dept. I really thought I had found my niche because I enjoyed what I did and I was good at it. I knew my shit. I busted my ass to get things done in that dept. I came in on Saturdays, stayed late when needed, went to all sorts of boring meetings around the state, and pretty much volunteered to do whatever was needed for that collection. I had a real love for that collection. (I know. It’s sick.) Well, after some micromanaging supervision blowouts, I moved to another dept. It really was the best thing for me mentally to do. I had to give up what I loved doing to preserve my sanity. I am being completely serious. I really did try to stay. I put up with a lot of crap. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was stressed out, pregnant, and thinking of my future as a professional. I was tired of being treated like a part-time student worker who had half a brain. It was demeaning. I went back to school to become a professional while working in this dept full-time. I had the respect of a lot of people throughout the organization, just not where it counted – in my own dept.

Well, people in that dept. are talking about retirement. While part of me doesn’t want anything to do with that dept. again, I know that I have the background and the knowledge to step in and manage part of that collection. It would be a promotion and it would advance my career BIG TIME. That being said, I am not even being considered. The person who is being floated around as the replacement has no technical skills, or background in this collection whatsoever. She just wants more to do because she’s bored. Bored?! You work in a state of the art research building and you're bored? Yeah, that makes sense. Promote people because they are bored, not because they are competent. Someone high up in administration told me that if anyone retired in that dept. there would be no question, they would come looking for me to step in. I guess that was just some line of crap to keep me here. Whatever works, right?

It’s crap like that…just total lack of vision and that good ‘ole boy mentality that is forcing me to go back to school and get the hell out of here. You may say that I am running from my problems, but I have to disagree. I need to think about what is best for my family and me. I’ve been putting this place ahead of my own needs for too long. I’m through letting this job shit all over me.

And when the rolling retirements start…just who is going to be left here to keep things going? Damn sure it won’t be me.

Howard Dean and overactive glands

This week is starting off well. This morning, my son kept yelling out while eating his french toast sticks. It sounded like Howard Dean. So, after having breakfast with my husband and our special guest, Howard Dean, I made my way into work. My supervisor isn’t in today. I don’t know why, I guess she isn’t feeling well. We just got the word that she wouldn’t be in today.

Hey! We were all healthy this weekend! Well, all the humans were healthy. See, we boarded our dog and cat at the vet for a few days while we attended a funeral. During the stay, the vet ran some blood tests on our dog because he is so old (he’s 12) and he has a lot of allergy/skin problems. The tests came back and they have reason to believe that he has Cushing’s disease. Basically, he has an overactive gland that is triggered by the pituitary gland and that is why he has a lot of skin problems and ear infections (in fact, he has one right now). They want to do some more blood work to make sure, but the vet feels pretty confident about it. Treatment would be that he would have to take medication to control the overactive glands.

Now, if you know me pretty well, this story sounds familiar, right? If you don’t know me that well, here’s why the story sounds familiar. I also had an overactive pituitary gland. As a matter of fact, I had a pituitary adenoma that was bigger than 1 centimeter. Let me tell you, it caused all kinds of problems. Just think how you would feel if you heard the doctor say that you had a tumor over 1 cm. in your brain – but everything would be okay. I didn’t handle it very well. (serious props go out to my husband for getting me through everything) I had to (and still have to) take medication to shrink the tumor (adenoma) down to almost invisible – and I have the MRI’s to prove it! Oh, the miracle of modern medicine. So, it seems incredible that my dog now has something similar. I've heard of pets and people looking alike, but this in ridiculous! Needless to say, it was a little upsetting to hear about my dog, but I know that it will be okay. I KNOW IT – I LIVE IT!

And the cat... there is never anything wrong with that cat. She needs her teeth cleaned.

I can't drive 55!

I am back from my husband's grandfather's funeral. It was in North Carolina - about five hours away (I made it up there in four! That wagon can move!). It was a family thing and so you know there were family annoyances everywhere.

The most annoying thing was trying to follow my brother-in-law (squatter) while driving. My blood is starting to boil as I type. We were going to follow the family car to the cemetery for the graveside service. So, I am supposed to follow my brother-in-law and my husband is supposed to follow me, driving his parents' car. Well, my brother-in-law blows through a yellow light and just keeps going. Thanks. Luckily, my husband's uncle was behind us and took the lead so we could get to the cemetery.

When we finally got there and saw my brother-in-law, he said, "I felt really bad about that but it's better that only two of us got lost instead of three." Hey, no problem. I just had a one-year old in the car and why would we need to be there anyway. There was a mall close by and I'm sure everyone would understand if I just hung out at Dillard's all afternoon. I mean, there was a sale. I could have strangled him. Hey, Einstein - we had a cell phone and so did you. Would it kill you to call us and let us know where we needed to go? You knew we weren't behind you.

This is the same moron that I wound up following the night before when we were going to dinner. He kept switching lanes and turning without using his blinker. So, I asked him (when he stopped to tell us that he was lost) if he could use his blinker so I knew where he was going. He said (sarcastically) that he was using hand signals. I told him that if he didn't start using his blinker I would give him a hand signal. I wasn't kidding. Apparently this didn't sit well with him because he brought it up again the next day. Look, if someone is following you have the courtesy to indicate where you are going by using a turn signal. Is it that big of a deal?

I will never follow him again. No unless he graduates from my "Blinker use - people are following you - anti-highway braking - stop rubbernecking - trucks stay in the right lane - minimum speed 55 mph - no Buicks driving school." We will serve egg rolls the size of burritos for lunch every day.

Misty water colored memories...

This has been a pretty bad year for our family healthwise and lifewise. I just found out that my husband's grandfather passed away. In the past 8 months, my husband has lost 3 of his grandparents. My son has been to three funerals and will now be attending his fourth. He is only a year old.

The news this morning made me think about my mom.

My mom and I used to be really close. Really close. Then, I went away to school and she kind of weirded out. I mean, really weirded out. She started hanging around some really strange people and staying out until all hours and pretty much neglecting any family responsibilities. (who is the parent here?) I felt a lot of guilt for not being there during that time. I've been dealing with that for awhile and I'm doing much better. I think I have more of a problem with what her behavior did to my brother. I'm a big sister and no one - NO ONE - messes with my little brother.

So, then came the divorce. I was 26 years old when my parents divorced. The reason I know how old I was at the time was because that was the year I got married. The quote from my mom was, "We wanted to wait until after your wedding." Gee, thanks. That made it so much easier. I can't say that my mom handled that in a tactful way, can you? If anyone ever tells you that divorce is easier on adult children - they are lying. And hey - the stigma of my wedding being the flood gate for my parent's divorce? Gee, why would that be an issue? (Note: I have a therapist - thanks for the offers.)

Anyway, my relationship with my mom has basically deteriorated. Every once in awhile we will talk on the phone. She sends cards when appropriate. I can carry on a conversation as long as it doesn't get into any of the things from that period of time. If it does, I silently wait until I can change the subject.

Why am I thinking about this? I guess because one day my mom won't be here. As horrible as things were between us (and they were absolutely horrible), she is still my mom. She sat up with me when I was sick and brought me ginger ale. She made my Halloween costumes. She wrapped Christmas presents. She laughed when I did my "Gina the guido hairdresser" routine. She gave birth to my favorite person in the world, my brother. She remembers my birthday and tries to be a good grandmother to my son. All of this is to say that I need to make more of an effort - even though the relationship is damaged. One day she just might not be there. I have enough guilt and not enough money to spend on all the therapy it would take to get through that.

I don't know why I wrote about my mom today. I really meant to write about these new 24 oz. Cokes. They are awesome!

Pencils down

So, I took my big standardized test on Saturday. The test was an hour away from my house, so woke up at 5:00 and drove in the rain to my testing area – cranking Songs inspired by Queer Eye for the Straight Guy the whole way. Well, I go to the wrong place (along with 6 other people) and we have to move to get to the right testing area in five minutes before the test begins – sharply at 7:30 – yeah, keep that in mind. If you have ever seen me drive or experienced the magic that is my driving, you can imagine a passat wagon shooting down hwy 316 at warp speed blasting Liz Phair. I got there with about a minute to spare.

There is a line of people in front of the classroom that I am testing in. So, I go to the back of the line. Well, there are three people on the other side of the hallway just standing there. One of them lets me know that “the back of the line is here” and points behind her. Okay, I am not a Ph.D. in line science but a line is a line. Two parallel lines do not make A LINE. So, I went and stood behind her. Does it really matter? No, it didn’t. We finally were allowed into the classroom at 7:40. Then, we had to go through passing out the tests, making sure we had everything put away but our ID, filling out the scantron form with our names, etc. By the time we did that and people got it straight what test code meant (it’s printed on the booklet), whether or not to fill in zeroes on the scantron sheet (how will the machine know it’s a zero if you don’t) and what test they should be taking and why they were in the wrong room – we finally got started. It was 8:25. If the future of education in Georgia was in that testing room with me, I am not surprised that the educational system in Georgia is one of the worst in the country. People, come on! You have taken these tests before – what the hell is wrong with you?!

So, I finished my test and had an hour to sit and do nothing. Overall, I think I did okay. I should know within the next four weeks. Oh, and dumb-ass who wanted to educate me about lines…she got up to use the restroom during the test, gave her test to the proctor and when she came back she forgot to get her test and just sat there. Finally, the proctor went over and gave her back her test. I just wanted to smack that ________(fill in the blank) and then draw a line on her forehead.

I’m thinking my son needs to go to private school.

Squeaky clean

Okay, right now we are all healthy (as I knock on a wooden book truck) and so maybe this weekend will be a good one.

My husband is on a new dishwasher kick right now. See, our dishwasher is about 10 years old and it shows. Glasses come out dirtier than they were when they went in. The dishwasher is the original one from when they built the house and I don’t think they went to any trouble finding the best dishwasher they could. It is a GE super basic, no frills dishwasher. I hate it. I wind up hand washing most of the dishes anyway. With a one year-old the dishes pile up. The top rack turns into a sippy cup convention. So, my husband has done all of his research, tracked down the two top dishwasher contenders, and is in the negotiation stage. He lives for this kind of stuff. I just sit back and let him go. I just want it to clean stuff and match the other appliances.

So, the caffeine is kicking in, a rush book on early Sufi texts has just landed on my desk, and we have a dept. meeting in 45 minutes. What more could I ask for?

Sickness!

So, I haven't posted anything in awhile - wanna know why?

DAMN SICKNESS!!!

Not me, although my husband did get the doctor to call in some antibiotics for me so at least one of us could function last week. Everyone else in my house has been sick.

My husband had strep throat for the second time in 3 weeks. Does that make any sense? They checked him for mono and it came back negative. Who gets sick that much?! Then, my son winds up with a monster ear infection combined with a cold and massive teething at the same time. Yeah, he cried for about three days straight. He also will not eat anything and so he will be dropping from his healthy 24 lb. weight to God-knows-what. AND he will not take his antibiotics so they wind up all over me, him, the bed, teddy, his highchair, my husband and anything else in the way. Mmmmm...yummy orangey antibiotics everywhere.

So, the Bear in the Big Blue House party - cancelled. The cake and the pictures and all of the stuff that memories are made of - on hold. We will have to celebrate his first birthday when he feels better. (hopefully, soon - for my sanity)

I blame this entirely on the squatters. Those germ-carrying burdens on all taxpayers in Georgia. They are not in a "position" to be responsible for their own food, shelter, medical care, etc. However, they are in a position to sit and watch televangelists, drive back and forth to Skankavonia, Ga. and go to dinner whenever they want. How about being in a position for both of you to get a damn job? Twenty hours a week for a family of three isn't going to cut it. You don't have to be Alan Greenspan to figure that out! Three years just isn't enough time to save up for a security deposit and first month's rent when you don't have any other bills. UGH! I'm not going to get into it.

I swear, no one will be sick for the rest of the week. No one.