Can't touch this!

My son ate two Little Debbie cakes before school this morning.

I AM mother of the year!

Bird

I believe in signs. Not like I look around everyday for them, but you know when you have experienced a sign. You know.

About three years ago, I had hit a new low point in my life. I was pretty depressed. Usually, when this happens, I turn back to God in some desperate version of myself, hoping that he (God is usually a “he” to me. I was raised Catholic.) will intervene and make some sense of everything for me.

I had been struggling with issues relating to my health. More specifically, I had been struggling with the issue of infertility which was caused by a tumor larger than a centimeter on my pituitary gland. (Fact: your pituitary gland is about the size of a pea.)

In my moment of desperation that morning, as I walked from the parking deck to work, I asked God to show me a sign that everything would be okay. I looked around thinking what he could use so I would know the sign was for me. I looked up and saw a bird. I asked God to give me a sign using a bird.

So, I am up in the reference area of where I work, looking for some obscure Census publication. It’s around this time of year, so the sky is gray and gloomy. For some reason, I stopped and went to the window in the back of the reference area. Outside the window, stood a large, bare (remember now, it’s February) tree that I never really paid any attention to before. On every single branch of that tree there were birds. The tree looked like it was in full bloom, except it was with birds, not leaves. And the sound…. Through the window, I could hear it like I was outside. I have never heard birds sing as loud as they did that day. I must have stood there for at least twenty minutes, just staring at this tree full of birds with tears streaming down my face.

And somewhere in those twenty minutes, I felt a sense of calm. It moved like a wave through my body. That was my sign. Those birds were there to show me that everything would be okay.

And it was.

The tumor is now undetectable in an MRI.

And, my son will be two on Sunday.

Happy Birthday, William!

Crash

Okay, so last night the biggest and the highest of walls that I have been living behind crashed down to the old, beige carpet and shattered. Today, I am going to load all of that debris into the nice, blue trash bin that Curbside Services, Inc. has supplied me with and set it out by the curb for an early morning Tuesday pickup.

I would call it a mini-meltdown. No, it was not induced by my lack of chocolate during the Lenten season. I think last night I just had enough. In the poorly paraphrased words of Ronald Reagan, “Tear down that wall, Mrs. Fred.”

And I did.

Last night I realized that for the past thirty-four years I have been trying to do my part, except that my part was everything. I have felt overwhelmed and dumped on for years. Now, I know why.

I wouldn’t let anyone help me. I didn’t know how.

People will come to me and ask for help and I am always willing to give it. And, I really don’t mind. Really. I spent a large part of my life being a surrogate mother of sorts to three younger brothers and when I really needed my own mother, she didn’t have time. Something was always more important. Through a lot of my life, when I needed someone to listen, there was no one there. So, that’s what I expected throughout life. Deal with things yourself and they will get done. Depend only on yourself.

Except that’s not how things really are. I was too conditioned toward the negative response to see the difference.

So, when I really needed to reach out to people, when I really needed help, I didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t know the words to say. I didn’t want to open myself up to the rejection of them saying, “No” like people had in the past. So, I managed. Except last night I couldn’t manage anymore.

And my eyes were opened.

There are three people in my life right now that I would bear my soul to in an instant. Three people that I know would never say no. These three people have been there for me, and will probably always be there for me.

I just want to tell them on Valentine’s Day that I love them.

So, my sweet William, Lady Miss Kamala, and most especially, Russell, thank you.
I love you all so much.


Happy Valentine’s Day!

Whadda ya know?

Which Website are You?

I am successful and powerful.
Who knew?

And the buried treasure? Keep digging, people! It's in there!

(thanks to jazzy for the fun quiz link)

Sometimes The Spectators See More Than The Players

I don’t like dealing with problems. Well, not my problems. I can deal with everyone else’s problems with such mental clarity that should be offered a Ph.D. in psychology on the spot. When it comes to me, I would rather hide under the bed until it goes away.

Well, that doesn’t happen.

And let me tell you, I have had some whoppers when it comes to problems. Some of them, I’ve never talked about (except to a therapist) and some of them are common knowledge if you know me. Let’s see…I’ve dealt with health issues, work issues, marriage issues, money issues, legal issues, friendship issues, mental issues, control issues, grief issues, and family issues. You name it. I’ve had to deal with it.

And never once have I run from these problems. I can’t. I may not like it, but if I don’t deal with these things they spiral out of control – AND THEY WILL.

I’ve had to give up some control because sometimes, YOU HAVE TO. Part of giving up control was to allow myself to trust in someone else’s judgment. There is always another way to deal with a situation. My husband is a logical person. He plans everything down to the tiniest detail. While that can be annoying to me, sometimes it really helps me find my way. When things become overwhelming to me, he can see them in a different light. He can find another path that I never saw. I am the person I am now because he found an open door to something that I thought was locked down.

Some things take time. But good things really do come to those who wait.

And I appreciate that now.