What does it spell?? D-S-L!!!

We got the DSL hookup! I can use my computer at home without threatening to throw it out the window! I can do things from home instead of having to go into work on the weekend! Can you tell I am excited? You bet your butt I am!!

Whew! Enough of my mini-cheer session for technology.

Monday is my son's third birthday. I can't believe how fast three years have gone by. It's amazing to look back at pictures from when he was born and see how much he has changed. I can look at his baby pictures and see so much of the person he has become in them.

Today we went to the local "baby furniture store" where we bought the furniture in our son's room. He has a conversion crib and we need to buy the kit to convert it to a double bed. Going back to that store brought back some really happy memories for me. Looking at all of the adorable bedding, the quilts, the artwork - it reminded me of how special that time was. It's hard to believe that it was three years ago. It feels like yesterday.

We always talk about having a little brother or sister for our son. It's not very easy for us. It wasn't very easy with him. I would take any physical pain over the mental and emotional pain that comes with trying for a child (and losing a child). We haven't been "trying" since winter 2004. It was too painful to think about that for a long while and to be completely honest, I was so afraid. Afraid of having to deal with that again. It had taken a toll on everything from my mental stability to my marriage. It wasn't until recently where I could feel like I was back to normal. Back to where I was in the fall of 2004. Damn! It feels good to come out of that cloud. I'll be the first to admit (now) that I was depressed. I didn't seek the proper help that I should have. I didn't.

God, I didn't want this to turn into downer central - and it won't. I guess I want to say that I think about these things, they churn through my brain, they are a part of my life. I use this space to vent and to work things out in my brain. I seem to make a lot more sense when I write things down than I do when I am trying to say them. And while I know some of you worry and don't want to bring stuff up with me, please don't. One of the things that I would hate most is that someone I know was afraid to talk to me. Really.

Now, if I could only win the lottery or strike it rich with one of the many ideas floating around in my brain, I wouldn't spend my eternity cataloging German economic books or Georgia documents about World Menopause Day.

That's right. World Menopause Day. Have some tea and talk about "the change." Sheesh.

If I had some Xanax...I'd Xanax in the morning... I'd Xanax in the evening, all over this land...

This was originally written at the end of January. I thought about not posting it, but I put a lot of effort into writing it…so, here it is. Sorry I haven’t posted in a very long time.

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I really need to calm down.

I have had the most stressful three weeks – EVER! Next thing I know, VH1 is going to have a show about it. “Stress Week Ever!” and it will have video clips of me booting the dog out the door, or stomping around the closet grumbling about how I hate everything I own, or throwing my hands into the air because my soon to be three year-old ignores everything I say, or they will show me walking into a hospital.

I have been in two different hospitals in three weeks. One was out of state. Before anyone panics – I was visiting, not being treated.

On January 11, I came home, dropped my things and went to scrub out the garage – also known as the dog’s apartment. Thirty minutes later, I went into the bedroom to change my clothes and wash my hands and noticed that we had a message. My uncle who lives in Indiana called and said I needed to check on my mom. She had a mild heart attack. I called my uncle back to find out that she was okay and in the hospital in Greenville. After a series of phone calls to different relatives and friends, and calls to the hospital, I managed to get in touch with my mother who was in the cardiac care unit. She sounded fine, just tired. I told her we would be up there the next morning – even though my aunt who lives in Greenville said there was no point in us going.

The next morning we got there around 10:30 and spent the day with my mother. She was having a cardio catheter to check for blockage. They didn’t find any serious blockage and so the cardiologist said he didn’t think it was her heart. Possibly stress or acid reflux related. Afterwards, we took my mom to my aunt’s house. I offered to take her home with me for a few days so I could make sure she was resting, but she insisted that she was fine. She is doing okay. I called to check on her and she was getting bored staying home from work. I need to call her this week to check on how she is doing.

My second hospital visit was expected. My mother-in-law had scheduled surgery early morning on January 19. I planned to go see her either at lunch or after work. I had made a gift basket for her with magazines, hard candies, lip balm, hand lotion, and other goodies. I called around lunch and she was sleeping, so I went after work. I hated to see her in such pain. I tried to give her some advice from when I had my c-section. Not that it is the same, but I just wanted to reinforce that she needed to take it easy. She’s home now and doing well. Even though I knew she would be okay, it was still pretty stressful.

During this time, the dog has been sleeping in the garage. That has helped a great deal and it is MUCH easier cleaning out a garage than a den. However, it’s really hard watching him deteriorate day after day. For example, we brought him inside and he defecated while he was eating. He didn’t know. It breaks my heart. I think his time on Earth will be ending soon. I’m still not ready to deal with that.

I spent some time in church this month. I told my husband that I had a lot to thank God for. And amidst all of my ranting and complaining, I do have a lot to be thankful for.

I just need to remember that more often.