Moe

Today we had to put Moe to sleep.

He couldn't walk any longer. The vet said he was in the mid stages of Alzheimer's (probably why he had no control of his bowels) in addition to having really bad arthritis - probably why he could no longer walk.

It was one of the most painful things I have ever had to do. He went peacefully. We were with him. We held on to him and told him how much we loved him. Even after he passed we stayed with him and told him he was in a better place. I told him we would see him again someday. I believe we will. I know he is up in heaven knocking over someone else's trash until I get there.

He was 14 years old. We knew this day would come. The house is missing something tonight. I am missing something tonight.

Rest in peace, Moe.
I love you.
Mama

Smoke and mirrors

Well, I haven't posted here in awhile. Probably because I have been spending any free time I have working on this moonlighting project or reading, reading, reading - that's right, people. I am a librarian and I READ books. Oh, the sheer joy of reading! (pardon the nerd-out. you knew it would happen sometime)

I am on my third book right now. My therapist (Yes, I went back to therapy after a major meltdown about three weeks ago. Yes, my therapist isn't in my "network" for insurance. Yes, I decided to "invest" in my mental health even if it means my financial ruin.) recommended that I do some reading. Her words were, "the more you do outside of here, the less you will have to come in here." Makes sense to me. She must have seen the look on my face when she said how much her fee was without insurance coverage. This blog entry is part of my "work" outside of therapy.

Anyway, the books I have been reading are about ACOAs. Adult Children of Alcoholics. I never realized how much crap I have been lugging around with me for the past 30+ years. I never knew how things affected me - TO THIS DAY. Things I had nothing to do with.

My dad was an alcoholic. He doesn't really drink now. He never went to get any kind of official help. Once my parents divorced he just kind of stopped drinking. Ironically, I think once they divorced, my mother took up drinking - or she just went off the deep end. It's hard to say for sure. Dad wasn't a violent alcoholic or anything like that, he was just there. Or, I should say, not there. Growing up, there wasn't a day that went by where there wasn't beer in our house. Good God, there were days when he wouldn't even let it get warm - it was gone that fast.

So, in my therapy and reading I have discovered all sorts of things about myself that explain so much about me. Why I have problems maintaining close relationships. Why I have a hard time completing things. Why I hate staying home. Why the smallest thing turns into a crisis. Why I always feel so damn responsible for everything. Why I can be calm and supportive for everyone else but myself. Why I always put myself last - no matter what. Reading some of the stories in these books...it's like I wrote them myself.

I always thought that I was alone in this. I have been living behind a mask for years. Hiding something that everyone probably knew - but I couldn't let them see how it affected me. I had to keep up this "perfect" persona and out-do everyone. I had to have the best of everything and be so above everything else or it wasn't worth doing.
"Look at what I'm doing because that will take your attention away from what is really going on - and I can't let you see that."

And it is so confusing because I love my dad with all my heart, but I am so angry at him for burdening me with these issues when I didn't do anything to deserve them. But it's not worth telling him. He can't change anything that happened in the past. I have to work through it. And I am.

But it has been so liberating to discover that I can change this. I don't have to keep hiding.

So, this entry is part of my therapy. I'm dropping the mask. I have nothing to hide

and I never did.

I never did.