Crash
Okay, so last night the biggest and the highest of walls that I have been living behind crashed down to the old, beige carpet and shattered. Today, I am going to load all of that debris into the nice, blue trash bin that Curbside Services, Inc. has supplied me with and set it out by the curb for an early morning Tuesday pickup.
I would call it a mini-meltdown. No, it was not induced by my lack of chocolate during the Lenten season. I think last night I just had enough. In the poorly paraphrased words of Ronald Reagan, “Tear down that wall, Mrs. Fred.”
And I did.
Last night I realized that for the past thirty-four years I have been trying to do my part, except that my part was everything. I have felt overwhelmed and dumped on for years. Now, I know why.
I wouldn’t let anyone help me. I didn’t know how.
People will come to me and ask for help and I am always willing to give it. And, I really don’t mind. Really. I spent a large part of my life being a surrogate mother of sorts to three younger brothers and when I really needed my own mother, she didn’t have time. Something was always more important. Through a lot of my life, when I needed someone to listen, there was no one there. So, that’s what I expected throughout life. Deal with things yourself and they will get done. Depend only on yourself.
Except that’s not how things really are. I was too conditioned toward the negative response to see the difference.
So, when I really needed to reach out to people, when I really needed help, I didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t know the words to say. I didn’t want to open myself up to the rejection of them saying, “No” like people had in the past. So, I managed. Except last night I couldn’t manage anymore.
And my eyes were opened.
There are three people in my life right now that I would bear my soul to in an instant. Three people that I know would never say no. These three people have been there for me, and will probably always be there for me.
I just want to tell them on Valentine’s Day that I love them.
So, my sweet William, Lady Miss Kamala, and most especially, Russell, thank you.
I love you all so much.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
I would call it a mini-meltdown. No, it was not induced by my lack of chocolate during the Lenten season. I think last night I just had enough. In the poorly paraphrased words of Ronald Reagan, “Tear down that wall, Mrs. Fred.”
And I did.
Last night I realized that for the past thirty-four years I have been trying to do my part, except that my part was everything. I have felt overwhelmed and dumped on for years. Now, I know why.
I wouldn’t let anyone help me. I didn’t know how.
People will come to me and ask for help and I am always willing to give it. And, I really don’t mind. Really. I spent a large part of my life being a surrogate mother of sorts to three younger brothers and when I really needed my own mother, she didn’t have time. Something was always more important. Through a lot of my life, when I needed someone to listen, there was no one there. So, that’s what I expected throughout life. Deal with things yourself and they will get done. Depend only on yourself.
Except that’s not how things really are. I was too conditioned toward the negative response to see the difference.
So, when I really needed to reach out to people, when I really needed help, I didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t know the words to say. I didn’t want to open myself up to the rejection of them saying, “No” like people had in the past. So, I managed. Except last night I couldn’t manage anymore.
And my eyes were opened.
There are three people in my life right now that I would bear my soul to in an instant. Three people that I know would never say no. These three people have been there for me, and will probably always be there for me.
I just want to tell them on Valentine’s Day that I love them.
So, my sweet William, Lady Miss Kamala, and most especially, Russell, thank you.
I love you all so much.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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