ouish

Friday, May 05, 2006

Smoke and mirrors

Well, I haven't posted here in awhile. Probably because I have been spending any free time I have working on this moonlighting project or reading, reading, reading - that's right, people. I am a librarian and I READ books. Oh, the sheer joy of reading! (pardon the nerd-out. you knew it would happen sometime)

I am on my third book right now. My therapist (Yes, I went back to therapy after a major meltdown about three weeks ago. Yes, my therapist isn't in my "network" for insurance. Yes, I decided to "invest" in my mental health even if it means my financial ruin.) recommended that I do some reading. Her words were, "the more you do outside of here, the less you will have to come in here." Makes sense to me. She must have seen the look on my face when she said how much her fee was without insurance coverage. This blog entry is part of my "work" outside of therapy.

Anyway, the books I have been reading are about ACOAs. Adult Children of Alcoholics. I never realized how much crap I have been lugging around with me for the past 30+ years. I never knew how things affected me - TO THIS DAY. Things I had nothing to do with.

My dad was an alcoholic. He doesn't really drink now. He never went to get any kind of official help. Once my parents divorced he just kind of stopped drinking. Ironically, I think once they divorced, my mother took up drinking - or she just went off the deep end. It's hard to say for sure. Dad wasn't a violent alcoholic or anything like that, he was just there. Or, I should say, not there. Growing up, there wasn't a day that went by where there wasn't beer in our house. Good God, there were days when he wouldn't even let it get warm - it was gone that fast.

So, in my therapy and reading I have discovered all sorts of things about myself that explain so much about me. Why I have problems maintaining close relationships. Why I have a hard time completing things. Why I hate staying home. Why the smallest thing turns into a crisis. Why I always feel so damn responsible for everything. Why I can be calm and supportive for everyone else but myself. Why I always put myself last - no matter what. Reading some of the stories in these books...it's like I wrote them myself.

I always thought that I was alone in this. I have been living behind a mask for years. Hiding something that everyone probably knew - but I couldn't let them see how it affected me. I had to keep up this "perfect" persona and out-do everyone. I had to have the best of everything and be so above everything else or it wasn't worth doing.
"Look at what I'm doing because that will take your attention away from what is really going on - and I can't let you see that."

And it is so confusing because I love my dad with all my heart, but I am so angry at him for burdening me with these issues when I didn't do anything to deserve them. But it's not worth telling him. He can't change anything that happened in the past. I have to work through it. And I am.

But it has been so liberating to discover that I can change this. I don't have to keep hiding.

So, this entry is part of my therapy. I'm dropping the mask. I have nothing to hide

and I never did.

I never did.

3 Comments:

  • I'm dropping the mask. I have nothing to hide

    Good for you.

    I think a lot of folks carry around that fear -- that when people discover how much baggage we actually have, they'll leave us.

    But in the end, you've got to decide whether it's worth the cost of lying to everybody.

    I'm proud of you.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:35 AM  

  • Yay Slice!!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:40 AM  

  • Wow. I could write a novel here and ramble on and on, but I'll spare you in this public forum. I'm glad you're putting it all out there. I know how hard that is. Just remember that when you invest in yourself, you're still doing something good for your family. What better gift to give them than a wife/mom who is healing and dealing with the problems. What a good example that sets. Yay for you!

    By Blogger Wendy, at 10:22 AM  

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